Spilling the beans with new twists, turns
What’s going on with Hollywood? They seem to have an infatuation with retelling popular fairy tales like “Jack and the Beanstalk.” Now it’s “Jack The Giant Killer.” “The Wizard of Oz” is now “Oz, the Great and Powerful.” By the way, the Oz movie is not to be confused with a documentary of Donald Trump.
Since this trend appears to be welcomed by the viewing public, I’ve decided that if they could do it so can I with my vast reading public. And I don’t need two hours of your valuable time.
So, here’s a new truly hip version of “Jack and the Beanstalk” that will only take a few minutes.
It was her goal to host her own TV-reality show. The lady is the mother of Jack. She was a not-so-hot 45-year-old mama in desperate need of a face lift and new implants both front and back. Those are the three essentials for entertainment success in America today.
She lived with her 25-year-old son who was less than ambitious. Jack was living in the basement playing video games day and night.
His Bachelor’s degree in 9th century Art of Antarctica was not exactly in high demand. The few jobs that were available in art of Antarctica were filled by immigrants taking jobs that Americans won’t do. Despite his lack of employment, Jack still had hope that the unappreciative world would come to its senses and grow to love his skill in penguin paintings.
Not much income was coming in through the Federal Assistance to Moms With Dead-Beat Sons Living In Their Basement Program. Jack’s mom decided to sell their cow so she could get her new enhanced body parts. “Jack get your lazy butt off the couch and go to town and sell Bossie.”
Of course Jack complained, “Oh, Mom.” You see, the problem was that Jack was right in the midst of a red hot video round of Grand Theft Auto. After tossing a few grenades at his enemies and scattering their remains 360 degrees in spectacular HD, Jack put Bossie into the back of his pickup and headed for town.
The two arrived at the Most Annoying Certified Pre-Owned Cow Dealer where every used cow deal is HUUUGE!. He was told that he couldn’t be serious about the amount he wanted for poor old Bossie because there are better udders on woodchucks. And what did he expect to come out of that udder besides powdered milk.
So, Jack being thoroughly trained in Antarctic art, sold the cow for 5 magic beans. He was promised that these beans would produce something HUUUGE but Jack decided that they could give him a great buzz.
Back home in mom’s basement he was caught crushing the magic beans into a fine powder to fit up his nose. His irate mother called him an idiot, took the magic bean powder and threw it into the yard realizing that her dreams of a silicone heaven had been dashed.
The next morning presented Jack with an astonishing sight in the backyard. Climbing into the clouds was a HUUUGE beanstalk. Unfortunately standing next to it was a government agent issuing citations for a multitude of violations.
For one, the beanstalk was not wheelchair accessible. He was also cited for not having a fence around the beanstalk which was declared an attractive nuisance.
An ADA official was there to issue a warrant due to a lack of an elevator.
The FAA agent was there to issue Jack a warrant because his beanstalk lacked an aviation beacon.
The EPA fined him for establishing a structure that would unfavorably influence bird migration.
After being issued thousands in fines, Jack decided to climb the beanstalk to see where it led. Unfortunately this beanstalk was in New York state so at various levels he was required to pay a toll. At the 5,000-foot level he was arrested for not wearing a helmet and at the 10,000-foot level he was required to purchase a safety harness.
Jack finally came to the end of the stalk which revealed another toll gate which led to a new and strange country. He paid his entrance fee and proceeded down a road that led to a HUUUGE castle. At the door he met Wendy who identified herself as the wife of the giant who lived in the castle. She asked him if he wanted a drink to quench his thirst from the long climb. He asked for a big gulp but anything over 16 oz had been outlawed in the land by the Evil Nanny.
Jack was invited into the castle where he was also given a birchbark sandwich. Wendy went on to explain that anything the Evil Nanny declared tasty was illegal.
While Jack gagged on his sustenance, Wendy explained that her absent giant husband was meeting with his support group Giants for Giants. It was not easy being a giant anymore. During every visit to town, there was usually some young punk with a sling shot trying to make his David bones. The giant’s forehead looked like the surface of the moon.
The castle was threatened with foreclosure. Their living expenses were killing them because of increased health insurance premiums. And with the economy lagging, the demand for giants was also down. Even in good times what do giants do? If you’re a king and not fighting a war, why would you hire a giant? I suppose he’d be a great help for moving furniture but he’d probably break your house. If you’re building a pyramid, a giant would be a great assistance in moving 20 ton blocks of limestone but the real estate market for pyramids was virtually non-existent.
His former diet of Englishmen had driven his cholesterol levels through the roof. Just then, the giant came into the castle where he bellowed his famous, ” Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.” But he went on to add, “And you tick me off because I can’t eat Englishmen anymore. Why don’t I ever smell a pizza?”
Jack explained to the giant that nobody’s going to deliver a pizza at the top of a beanstalk 15,000 feet in altitude. This news surprised the giant and Wendy because they had no idea that they lived in such a precarious setting high above the clouds. He got the giant to look over the side of their fantasyland and down to the earth three miles below. “Fee fi fo fum, if I fall from here, I’ll hurt my bum.”
So Jack, the giant and his wife Wendy packed their luggage and with the hen that had ceased laying golden eggs, descended the beanstalk and moved in with Jack and his mother.
The hen was put on performance enhancing drugs and was able to once again lay enough golden eggs for Jack’s mother to get boobs, lips, hips and a contract for her own reality show “Life With a Giant.”
The golden eggs allowed Jack to open his own art gallery that featured his penguin paintings and Antarctic ice.
The giant had reconstructive surgery on his knees which led to a HUUUGE contract with the Buffalo Bills. He was a HUUUGE disappointment at defensive end which led to another year of rebuilding for the Bills.
But there is a happy ending. What kind of fairy tale would this be without one? So, here it is. The giant and Wendy still own a hen that lays golden eggs and besides that, she’s pregnant.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org