Defense in the Garden a tough row to hoe

The Obama administration is still trying to explain the lingering Benghazi terrorist attack. We can remember our highly esteemed, future President, “smartest-woman-in-the-world,” Secretary of State testifying before Congress blaming the attack on a spaceship from the Romulan Empire, or something like that.

She is such an indomitable force it leads one to speculate what it would be like if the same spirit that fueled our Hillary’s feistiness was in charge of explaining history’s greatest screwup of all time; The Fall of Man in the Garden of Eden

As you may recall, The Garden was constructed by God and it was perfect. Well almost. Adam was busy naming all the animals but he was lonely. So God made him a companion with interesting features that Adam immediately noticed. Things were going well until the Tree of The Knowledge of Good and Evil became just too irresistible. The serpent convinced Adam’s wife Hillary that she could eat the fruit and become like a god with her newly acquired knowledge.

We join the scene where they’ve eaten of the fruit and are now aware of their nakedness. Being industrious and desiring to cover up their embarrassing nature, scripture said they sewed together fig leaves. If you’ll recall he was in charge of naming the animals, not body parts. While he was busy making his groin apron, Hillary sewed together a pant suit.

Sin had occurred on the earth for the first time and they’re about to be called to task by GOD who is searching for his naughty couple to scold them and kick some behind.

In preparation for this coming testimony, let’s look in on Hillary who is meeting with Adam to prepare her defense for defying the command not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

OK, Adam, how would this work? We could start out with the waste-of-time defense. We could put God on the defense immediately with, “All right, for some reason you’re angry at us for eating some forbidden fruit. You can get all bent out of shape, but what difference, at this point, does it make? Come on you’re God. You’re a big boy, let’s get over it it. You’re God, you can make all the fruit you want. So, for the future of the Garden and mankind, let’s move forward.

Then we can put God on the defense for the way he made me. How about this? “Come on, for crying out loud, you’ve got to admit that it was a pretty misguided process that you used to make me. At least, for my husband Adam, you took some ground and molded him like a clay pot. Then you gave him his breath of life. That was pretty neat.”

But, look at me, God, especially when I’m talking to you. You put my husband to sleep. Ripped out a rib and there I am, from a rib? What kind of start is that? You could’ve used most of his brain to make me because very frankly he doesn’t use it all that often. You’re God and you know what a guy usually thinks with. Give this woman a break.

You gave him the job of naming the animals with that brain and look at one name he came up with. An aardvark? I think Adam was choking on a chicken wing when that creature went walking by and now he’s stuck with being called an aardvark.

OK, now if our creation defense doesn’t work, here’s another feature that we could use. God told you not to eat of the Tree. Was that commandment also to be applied to my activities? God didn’t tell me about the Tree with the forbidden fruit. If I was not to eat that fruit, that was not made explicit to me by my husband. I have no recollection of that directive. How can I be held accountable when my husband is guilty of improper communication? I might be bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh but hey, I did not ask for this gig. How can I be held accountable for his mistake? That’s not justice the way I see it. You may be God but I think you need to review some of your policies.

If that doesn’t work we can go after God’s mistake in measuring the Garden. God said not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. OK, God, I took a measure of the tree with the dazzling whiz bang forbidden fruit and I found it not to be exactly in the center of the Garden. As far as I could tell it was not equal distance from the East, West, North, or South. That not only makes me angry, I find that inaccuracy on your part to be a huge disappointment. If there are two trees in the center of the Garden, they both can’t be in the middle. That’s mathematically impossible and you being Mr. Smarty Pants God should know that.

Now, if that defense doesn’t work, how about this one? What really is a tree? For crying out loud, you never really explained to us what a tree is. We’re not geniuses you know. We’re humans. There are a lot of things in the middle of the garden. What makes a tree different from a bush? As far as I could tell that looked more like a bush than a tree. I mean a tree to one person might not be a tree to someone else. It might be a hedge. And besides that, what is the meaning of is?

When you really get down to the essentials, let’s say I know what a tree is. How am I supposed to know what fruit is? I mean, a tree has hard stuff on it. Is that fruit? A tree has those greeny things. Are they fruit? You never told us what fruit is. This charge against us bogus and totally unfair.

I mean you’re God. You left us here in the Garden but did you take us to the middle of the Garden and point out to us, this is the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? Over there is the Tree of Life. Now from that tree you may eat of its fruit. This is fruit. See how nice and plump it is. It’s juicy and it contains some good fiber for your digestive system. There are good vitamins in fruit. It’s especially high in Vitamin C. Eat all you want from this tree.

Very frankly, God, with all due respect, you did an extremely poor job of explaining this whole tree-in-the- center -of- the -garden deal. Holding me and my non- communicative husband responsible for sin is a travesty of justice and I will not stand for it.

Finally, I would like to say that the leather dress you made for me from that hippopotamus skin was a half-size too small and it was hideous. You may think that at this point, it doesn’t make a difference but it does. I would’ve preferred a pantsuit.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to