Not always a happy ending for high-profile couples
My bride and I just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. That fact alone should give hope to millions of high school pencil-necked pimply-faced geeky guys. Our anniversary proves that there’s a woman out there for you pathetic nerds who possesses an infinite dose of mercy to put up with all your disgusting features. If I found such a beauty, so can you.
In preparing for my party speech that I gave, which by the way has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Wedding Anniversary Speeches, I discovered that many famous couples throughout history never celebrated a Golden Wedding Anniversary. What was even more interesting is the reason why they never got to that historic moment.
Take for example, Superman and Lois Lane never got to celebrate a Golden Anniversary. That’s because one day Lois said to Superman. “You know what Big Boy, you may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. You may be stronger that a locomotive. But this faster than a speeding bullet thing isn’t quite doing it for me.”
Tarzan and Jane never got to celebrate 50 years of marriage. Even though Jane came from a very aristocratic English family, she loved Tarzan enough to live in a treehouse. At times, she got annoyed at Tarzan’s boring wardrobe of loincloths. But that wasn’t what caused their breakup. And how often did Jane have to hear, “Me Tarzan, You Jane” without wanting to scream out a grammatical correction? But that still wasn’t why she left him. One day Tarzan asked Jane “Why you go?” Her answer was, (this is awful and I apologize), “You’re just too much of a swinger.”
Robin Hood and Maid Marian never got to celebrate their 50th. It came to be that when Robin was out in the forest stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, Maid Marian discovered that Little John didn’t live up to his name.
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck never got to celebrate their 50th anniversary. After Donald quacked Daisy to marry him, she replied with, “Donald, sometimes your quick temper annoys me, but I can overlook that. There are times when I get tired of looking at you day after day in that awful sailor suit but I can overlook that. But there’s one thing I can’t overlook anymore. PUT ON SOME PANTS!!
Ralph Kramden and Alice never celebrated their 50th. It wasn’t one of Ralph’s hair-brained schemes that went bad. It wasn’t Alice making fun of Ralph’s beloved Raccoon Lodge. It’s because on one Saturday night Ralph went bang, zoom, and Alice finally went to the moon and Ralph got 30 years to life.
Romeo and Juliet, they never had a Golden Anniversary. It t’was a warm summer’s eve when Romeo asked the fair Juliet to marry him and she responded with, “I’d love to marry you Romeo but my father said, I can marry an Argentinian, an Englishman, a Brazilian, an Iranian, an Al Qaidan, Osama bin Laden’s brother, but no Italians.
Another couple that never made it to their 50th is Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara of Gone With The Wind. If you’ll recall Scarlett was vain, self-centered-spoiled- insecure- a high-strung busy body- babyish at times-and was in love with a twit.
Need I explain further why after Scarlett asked Rhett, “if you go, where shall I go, what shall I do?” he replied with one of moviedom’s classic lines, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” What the original line was, ” Frankly my dear, any southern babe who finds that pansy Ashley Wilkes, with his phony English accent more desirable than me, Clark Gable, is in a movie that needs a new casting director. So in other words, I’m out of here.”
Frasier Crane and Lilith Hillary Sternin never got to their 50th. The fact that Lilith was listed in her high school year book as the Woman Most Likely To Cause Deep Despair wasn’t the reason they divorced. It wasn’t that Lilith wore her hair as tight as a Republican congressman voting to put Barack Obama on Mount Rushmore. They broke up because Frasier suffered from chronic frostbite.
Ricky Ricardo and Lucy Migillicuddy Ricardo never made it to their 50th. It wasn’t because Lucy was a whining annoying goof ball. It wasn’t because Ricky was an irascible hot-blooded guy who would revert to squealing Spanish obscenities when provoked. What caused the split was that harmless looking Fred Mertz was doing the Babaloo with Lucy.
The huge ape King Kong was in love with Ann Darrow but they never got to celebrate a Golden One. In fact, they never married. It wasn’t his bad breath. I don’t know for sure that Kong had it but that’s a fairly safe assumption. The guy had a diet of dinosaur, hippos and rodents which can’t be all that delicate. It wasn’t that he walked around New York City without any pants long before Anthony Weiner ever thought of that. It wasn’t his lack of vocabulary. That was pretty much like any other guy’s during a football game. Huh, What, Yeah, HmmMm. The reason they never married was he was 40 feet tall and the proportions admittedly were not in Anne Darrow’s favor.
Do you remember the dazzling Queen of the Nile Cleopatra? She and her boyfriend Mark Antony never got there. First of all she married one of her brothers before agreeing to wear Mark Antony’s ring around her neck. Not exactly an attractive addition to one’s resume. Then at 18 she became ruler of Egypt with the sole experience of being a community organizer. Cleopatra then had an affair with Caesar and bore him a son named Caeserian because Romans and Egyptians knew nothing about the use of Jr. Then she got involved with a bunch of Roman political operatives named Brutus, Gaius, Cassius Longinus, Publius, and Cornelius who all gave her a bad case of acchata. So by the time she got around to Mark Antony, she had had it with the Italians and, therefore, no 50th anniversary.
Archie Bunker and Edith never had a 50th. After one brutal episode of calling Edith a Dingbat and his son in law Michael a meathead, the two of them teamed up and handed him over to every ethnic group in the neighborhood. Archie was never seen again.
Finally, Ken and Barbie never got to their 50th. It wasn’t that Ken was a stiff plastic-haired person with a poor sense of humor. Ken was a doctor, photographer, pizza-delivery boy, pro tennis player, and had a slew of other occupations proving he couldn’t keep a job. It wasn’t that, though, that caused the breakup. What turned out to be the unresolved problem that caused Barbie to dump Ken? He had underwear molded to his body that he never could change. Yuck!
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org