Humor: A shadowy Super Sunday
It was Feb. 2 and I had just come in from the great outdoors. I was looking for my shadow. I said to myself, “Who needs a groundhog?” I’m smarter than a groundhog most days so I concluded that if the groundhog can make a shadow, so could I.
I didn’t see mine so, as the legend goes, we will not have six more weeks of winter. Yeah, right. With the way this winter is unfolding, July Fourth may be our only break.
I had a column to write so I decided to dispense with my usual vigilance of watching my backyard for the approach of the polar vortex and instead search the Super Bowl for kernels of humor. You can never be too cautious with the polar vortex so my wife stood guard in my place.
I tuned into the Fox network and caught Chris Wallace interviewing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Already, my decision had paid off because I didn’t have to listen to some political operative claim that Chris Christie blocked a New Jersey bridge with his drumstick.
Goodell went on to declare a possible change in the extra point rule, or as the Bills say, “What’s an extra point?” Goodell goes on to say the extra point has become too automatic and the game needs to jazz it up somehow. I’ve got a suggestion. After a TD, wheel out an official NFL Lazy Susan; the defense gets to spin the kicker around 20 times; and as he attempts his kick, they can tickle him. They can even taunt him with insults about his mother which should make the kick even harder.
I discovered that most Broncos like playing with Peyton Manning but he’s also known as Mr. Annoying. He might unexpectedly walk past a team mate in the locker room and fire a detailed question at him. For example, “Hey, Bubba, what’s the equation for the Pythagorean Theorem?” I can see why that would be annoying.
I came across the estimation that 1.25 billion chicken wings would be consumed during the game. They should have had a flyover by the Tyson Farms private jet as a memorial salute to the millions of chickens who gave their life for this gluttony. I leave it in your hands to come up with a wisecrack about a billion plus chicken wings, New Jersey and Chris Christie.
Prior to the kickoff, Mr. Bluff and Bluster Bill O’Reilly interviewed President Obama with his ill-prepared list of questions. It appeared that Obama was representing the Seahawk defense and Bill had Manning’s playbook. Obama gave his usual performance and mopped the floor with O’Reilly who fortunately still had his pants on as the whistle sounded to end Bill’s set.
The Fox network reporters were painfully interviewing celebrities as they entered the game/studios. They had to settle for Harry Connick Jr. and a picture of him in sixth grade wearing a Six Million Dollar Man T-shirt. When you’ve got a six-hour pre-game show to fill, what do you expect?
Halftime star Bruno Mars was interviewed. He revealed that his real name is Peter Hernandez but always remembers being called Bruno by his father who liked Bruno Sammartino as a wrestler. He’s lucky his father wasn’t a fan of Gorgeous George.
Announcers Joe Buck and Troy Aikman described their excitement about the upcoming game. Joe asked Troy if he was ready and excited? Troy said that he was ready and excited. That was quite a Super Bowl moment.
Taima the Seahawk mascot and the Broncos mascot were introduced to the TV audience. Coincidentally, their names are Thunder though the Broncos more or less played the game like a foggy drizzle.
A commercial popped up that was curious. It showed a new GM Sierra driving out on a field of ice as a submarine emerged through the cracked surface of solid white. I concluded that either the submarine captain or the truck driver was lost.
It was explained that if Coach Pete Carroll won the game he would join announcer Jimmy Johnson in winning both a NCAA and Super Bowl championship. Who has the better hair is still a toss up.
A Loreal volume filler hair product was advertised to double the thickness of one’s hair. I figured I would need a tanker truck to do the job.
Opera star Renee Fleming sang the National Anthem. Now that was no joke. Pure class.
I got confused when Joe Buck told me to get hyped for the halftime show. I didn’t know how to do that and I still don’t.
I even got out my CD collection of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that didn’t do it, either.
Speaking of the halftime show, Mars became a big time star. He gave a decent performance that featured talent, songs that had melodies, and didn’t resort to bumps, grinds, and embarrassing displays where parents had to shield their kid’s eyes. It was somewhat strange to have kids introduce him singing about Prepare and then Bruno starts to sing about being Locked Out of Heaven. Huh?
What exactly the half-naked Red Hot Chili Peppers were trying to do is still a mystery. I believe they were trying to play music. If they were, they equaled Denver’s performance.
Joe Namath, in his flying rabbit coat looking like the diva movie star Barbara Stanwyck, fumbled the coin toss when he forgot to ask for a heads or tails choice. Joe better keep looking up for a PETA drone attack after that display of fur.
The game started inauspiciously with the Bronco center snapping the ball into Pennsylvania for a safety. The Broncos followed that with possessions that led to a punt and interception. One had to assume Denver had borrowed the Bills playbook for the day.
When it was 15-0, a commercial came on about the new Transformer movie, “The Age of Extinction.” That was quite timely for Denver’s future.
A Bronco lineman then proceeded to get called for a tripping penalty. That seems kind of odd in a violent game to be called for tripping when you can bash another guy’s head in for a mere five more yards. I wonder what the penalty is for insulting another player’s sister?
The cameras, just before halftime, caught a shot of Commissioner Roger Goodell sitting in the stands with commoners. He appeared to be still awake with the score at 22-0.
The second half began with Percy Harvin running through the Broncos kick off team like Sherman going through Atlanta. It’s 29-0 and now I’m looking forward to “Downton Abbey” coming up on PBS.
One of the most shocking events of the night was an ad for a car company featuring Bob Dylan who actually uttered the words, “We will build your car.” They were words that I understood. This cannot be true. I concluded that I must be hallucinating under the influence of nachos and cheese. I still have a sneaky suspicion that Dylan lip-synched it.
The Broncos finally scored to make it 36-8. Obviously, it happened during a snack break by the Seattle defense along the sideline while they were wiping their hands clean of chicken wings sauce.
At 43-8 Peyton Manning gets taken down by a Seahawk pass rusher. It reminded me of an African wildebeest being attacked by a lion under full speed.
Peyton Manning sets a new Super Bowl record by completing his 33rd pass with 10 minutes to go. That didn’t even excite his brother Eli sitting alone in the Manning box.
Seattle coach Pete Carroll got two gatorade baths which never came close to messing his hair. With that display, Pete Carroll is determined the victor over Jimmy Johnson as displaying the NFL’s Best Hair.
Tons of blue and green confetti dance through the sky at the trophy presentation. Victorious Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson looks so young he’ll need to be carded at the post-game party.
The last time a team was drubbed in the Super Bowl by 35 points goes back to 1993. That was when Dallas beat Buffalo. What a super reminder to end this day of debacle. Go Bills, and bring on the official NFL Lazy Susan. Coochie coo.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident whose column appears monthly. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org