BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS

Illegal insults are kicked around by NFL

There are a couple stories in recent news that caught my attention. The first attraction deals with enlightened minds who are running the NFL.

As you well know, they are always searching for a way to make their product better. In their infinite quest of conducting a politically correct business in America, they need to be on the cutting edge. Roger Goodell and his advisors are pondering whether this might be the right time to clean up the potty mouths of 350-pound men.

They are considering instituting a new rule that would penalize football players for uttering the certain words during the game. Say a forbidden word and it’s going to cost the guilty player and team 15 yards. And calling a player a “nancy” is not what we are talking about. Well, not yet.

Calling another player a “sissy” might be an issue sometime down the road. Personally when someone is called a “nini” or a “nincompoop,” those words should be grounds for a severe thrashing.

Let’s say the game is pretty much over and we get five linemen from one team spewing out the illegal terms.

“Alright, for you guys, that is not very nice.” The referee tosses a flag and announces to the audience that the unsavory use of the word is a 15-yard penalty and since five guys said it (he whips out his calculator) and declares that the infraction of rule 129 under section 14 will cost the Oakland Raiders 75 yards. He marches off 75 yards.

The ball is put down on the 3 yard line. But since they are now inside the 20 yard line, it has to be recalculated to half the distance. Therefore, he takes it out his calculator again to recalculate the ball placement. Before he has punched in all the numbers, the five players from the Green Bay Packers utter another word which now requires another penalty march off back to the original point of the original infraction.

This could be the just the beginning of some unexpected fun in the NNFL – National Nice Football League. If you scan the lexicon, there are a lot of words that could be banned from the game.

For example, what if number 82 of the Pittsburgh Steelers is filled with disdain for one of our beloved Buffalo Bills. He singles out Marcell Dareus for a word barrage that could easily diminish the self esteem of Marcel. In being so filled with ugliness for his fellow competitor he declares to Mr. Dareus, “The reason you couldn’t figure out where to go on that last play, buddy, is that you are a nanocephalous.”

Well, those certainly could be fighting words in the new NNFL. The ref throws a flag and announces that he is going to check with NNFL headquarters, and the guys in the booth, whether or not it is a penalty to call Number 99 of the Buffalo Bills a nanocephalous. We go to the 102nd commercial while we’re waiting for the decision to come down from New York where league officials are scouring their dictionary of NNFL Naughty Words. It is discovered that the word means,” to have to a small head,” which could mean, a small brain, which means,” you’re stupid, buddy.”

In that case, the officials of the NNFL have predetermined that such a disparaging remark is not quite as bad as other words, but it is bad. Nanocephalous is severe enough to issue a 13 and one half yard penalty on the Pittsburgh Steelers for not being nice.

This is a game to be played by manly men but that doesn’t mean that disrespect should be tolerated in 2014 Can’t We All Just Get Along America. A flag is thrown and it’s announced, “Nomenclature penalty on number 42 in blue for declaring that number 45 of the New England Patriots is nasute. Number 45 does have a nose a bit bigger than average but it is the judgement of the referee that his nose is not sufficiently large enough for number 45 to be declared a nasute. In fact, I think his nose is kind of cute. That’ll be an eight-yard penalty.”

Civilized competition is the goal of the new NNFL. One of the most vile penalties worth 17 yards in the coming NNFL will be initiated by calling another player “natiform face.” In fact, it may be imperative on the referee to physically cleanse the culpable cornerback’s mouth.

“Ladies and gentleman, number 52 of the Detroit Lions has just been flagged for designating an opponent with a face that resembles a buttocks. Shame on him. We’ll have a commercial timeout while I get my soap.”

Another story that captivated my attention was the re-election of North Korea’s ill-tempered, and sometimes ill-mannered, dictator Kim Jong Un. Here all along I thought he was just a evil killer who had no support of his people. Now I find out that he was re-elected to be the lawfully elected killer for a new term with much popular support.

He got a new five-year term by garnering 100 percent of all the votes in his district and 100 percent of all the people in his district voted. Well, that is except for his uncle. Kim Jong Un had him killed by feeding him to hungry dogs before the poor guy could vote. Despite the execution, North Korean pundits believe he would have voted for his nephew if he hadn’t become puppy chow.

With such a great victory, I wondered what platform did Un run on that would lead to such an overwhelming triumph. Basically it was very simple. His number one campaign issue was the platform of Right to Life. His promise was, if you vote for me, I won’t kill you.

Another big campaign issue was healthcare. Kim Jong Un took the position that he has no concern about anybody else’s health. His slogan was, “You don’t feel well because you don’t have food to eat? Too bad. Just be grateful that you’re alive and there isn’t a bullet heading your way. I haven’t killed you, yet, so stop complaining.”

Un was for open borders immigration. Anybody who wants to go to North Korea to live is welcomed with open arms. But, Un is definitely against emigration. His campaign slogan was, “You try to leave our worker’s paradise and I’ll kill you.”

Race relations are of no concern in North Korea. His position is, “I am Kim Jong Un and I hate everybody.”

Welfare and poverty is usually of concern everywhere but not in North Korea. This campaign issue came down to, “am concerned for my welfare and nobody else’s. Everybody else is in poverty. So what? You’re lucky to be alive.”

Here’s a surprise. Prayer in schools is allowed in North Korea. In fact, prayer is encouraged in schools, stores, on the street, wherever, it doesn’t matter. You are to pray that Kim Jong Un is healthy, rich, good looking and mainly that he doesn’t kill you.

This was Un’s version of Hope and Change. Hope that I don’t Change you into a corpse.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com