A new era of intelligence awaits

Leading transhumanist Ray Kurzweil has some hope for those of you who want to live forever. Well, that’s good news if you’re not counting on a glorified forever body promised by Jesus. Kurzweil thinks that he has a better alternative where you can live here on earth forever watching reruns of “The Golden Girls” until the sun stops shining. Of course, by then, I’m certain that you could move to another planet and haul your DVDs with you.

Kurzweil says that we should ignore God’s eternity plan and hook on to his futuristic plan for paradise here on earth. He’s pretty serious, too.

Kurzweil’s taking close to 150 vitamin pills a day in order to prolong his life until 2045 when he believes the singularity will occur.What is the singularity you ask? It’s the year the Bills finally make the playoffs. Just kidding.

Kurzweil believes that in 2045, humans will reach a singularity point where technology will allow us to end the human era on earth and begin an era of super-human intelligence. If his measuring stick for intelligence is Washington D.C., that era does not hold much promise.

There’s a real obstacle to his plans that was just discovered by NASA. Astronomers say there’s a 10-mile wide asteroid positioned to collide with the earth in 2041. Now, that makes me angry. Why? Because my asteroid insurance runs out in 2040 so I’m going to have to fix the hole in my roof out of my own pocket. If I’m lucky, perhaps it will hit the garage instead and I’ll leave the car parked outside.

Can you imagine the weather reports at that time?

“There’s an asteroid warning for Chautauqua, and Cattaraugus counties until 10 p.m. tonight, and an asteroid advisory for Allegany and Potter counties until 9. Erie and Niagara counties are under an asteroid watch. Here in Buffalo, we shouldn’t have much more than a 10 percent chance of flying debris with perhaps some body parts, a bit of hail, fire, and brimstone due to the southwesterly winds caused by the impact.

“We are also issuing a travel advisory for tonight. With the collision of the asteroid hitting the earth at 22,000 miles per hour, temperatures could rise to a level which might melt your car so you could be stranded in the midst of unprecedented death and destruction while calling AAA. So, if you have any travel plans, you might want to do it early.

“Clear blue skies early tomorrow morning should provide great conditions for viewing the devastation and huge crater somewhere in one of those counties under the asteroid warning.

“If you’re heading on down that way to see the horrific devastation, I’d bring an umbrella if I were you due to a 70 percent chance of a shower later in the day. And that’s not good news for those who will be trying to pick up the pieces of their destroyed lives.

“But if you get down there early enough to see the remains of the asteroid, it could be quite spectacular. If you want to share your pictures with our viewers send them to our website and we’ll upload them for all the world to see. Now back to transhumanism.”

In case the asteroid doesn’t mess up the plans of Kurzweil, he says that we will be able to have a biological body at times and a non-biological body at other times. Now that could really come in handy.

Let’s say that your high schooler Lisa Loobner is going to the prom and she wants a bio body so her date Todd can pin a corsage onto her no longer modest bodice. It has been genetically modified to movie-star standards. So she just stays in her supermodel bio bod fashioned for her specific needs for prom nights.

But what if Lisa gets asked to the prom by a super nerd? She wants to be at the prom but not with this loser. Therefore, in Kurweil’s world, she could just wheel out her clone body and send it with a downloaded copy of her brain and off to the prom she sort of goes, though not really, right?

Kurzweil says that we will be free to abandon our flawed human flesh body and live in a technologically constructed robotic whiz-bang, super-duper, warranty-protected, Obamacare replaceable one. You know how that will go. “If you like your avatar body, you can keep it until there’s a better model. That’s my promise to you or I’m not President Malia Obama.”

If you’re wondering how they’re going to get your mind, soul, and spirit into a new body, you are a Neanderthal. The transhumanist say that you’re an idiot to worry about a soul and spirit – you’re just a mind housed in a brain. And that is what can be saved for eternity.

When you’re ready to shed that body made from that antiquated yucky old protoplasm, flesh and blood junk that’s wasting away and causing you pain and suffering, we”ll upload your mind into the vast computer Google Heaven where you can hang out for how ever long you want. Then, when your new body has been built, they’ll simply download you into your new technological body good for another 20 years or 100,000,000 miles, whichever comes first. Isn’t that great? What could possibly go wrong?

Boy, things are going to be absolute paradise on earth according to Kurzweil. If I take my vitamins and make it to 2045, I can buy the Brad Pitt XKZ 2046 and get rid of this Privy 1940 Hunk A Junk.

I’m not too sure how wise it is about getting the contents of my brain uploaded on to some misty cloudy digital hard drive computer chip. I don’t think everything in this old noggin is worth uploading and taking up space in that electronic world of Google Heaven. I know that Yankee shortstop Phil Rizzuto wore number 10. So what? Is that essential for me to carry with me for eternity? If I carry junk trivia like that that with me to Google Heaven, I’ll probably have to pay a higher rent. That suggests that normal people who don’t house Phil Rizzuto’s number will get a better deal because they don’t have as much junk to upload.

Did you know that the dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle? If I get that uploaded with me to some supercomputer land and that wee bit of information’s costing me a buck a day, I don’t want it.

There ought to be a way to dump stuff before you get uploaded. What about all the times girls dumped me? What self-respecting nerd wants to carry that into Google Heaven? In the first place, it won’t be heaven with that kind of garbage cluttering my eternal mind.

Before you agree to the process, make sure the upload guy knows the difference between the send button and the delete button. And when we do get uploaded, are we going to have a choice of where we get uploaded to and who we get to hang out with? If I’m floating around next to the Kardashians for a couple years, that is an incentive to choose Google Hell. In fact, that’s what it would be.

If you decide to go The Way of Kurzweil, be sure to build a secure digital firewall that prevents anybody from hacking into your heavenly space or this could happen. You are all snuggly in your newly rented virtual condo for the next 25 years and someone rings your Neverland brain and says this, ” Hi, I’m Hillary, your new neighbor. “

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly in the OBSERVER.