Secret-schedule excuse is right on time

It was recently discovered that President Obama has an official schedule for his day as being President and doing presidency thingies. You know like handing out medals and reading a nice story to Nancy Pelosi about Baby Jesus.

But now it has been revealed that he also has a secret schedule for his day. That’s not exactly shocking news. What’s the big deal? If the guy wants to get away from boring presidential business and do something more to his liking, why does the world have to know? If he wants to take a few minutes out of the day to get the glass cleaner out and make his teleprompters sparkly clean, why not?

I have a secret unannounced schedule myself. On my official to-do list might be something like cut the lawn, call the president and help with foreign policy, and write another Pulitzer Prize winning column. But my fan doesn’t have to know what I do every moment of every day. For example, this afternoon I’m going to spend several hours at the Orphanage for Extremely Right Wing Republican Children. There I will be reading to them several of the Love Poems of Dick Cheney. For example, “Oh Halliburton, oh Halliburton, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee via stocks options, bonds, mutual funds, and derivatives. Oh, I do certainly love thee. Halliburton, Oh Halliburton.”

Obviously President Obama is not the only world leader who has a secret schedule. For example, Russia’s bad guy invader par excellence, President Vladimir Putin has a secret one. His official schedule may say Tuesday, Aug. 12, 2014 invade Hazakastan with tanks and armored vehicles. Do a little bit of pillaging of villages. Take a coffee break. Crank up the invasion and take over the country by dinner. At 3 p.m. wheel out a BUK ground-to-air missile and shoot down that pesky yellow Cessna flown by that creepy pilot who I know is trying to take pictures of my girlfriend.

That’s his official schedule. But on his secret schedule, Putin has this. 10 a.m., take off shirt, stand in front of mirror and flex my pecs and dazzle myself, purse my lips, smile with that devilish killer smile that enchants the world, flash my captivating blue eyes and direct a kiss at my precious and absolutely fabulous pecs. Resume my presidential duties to invade Hazakastan where I will be greeted with flowers and cups of borscht.

Vice President Joe Biden, just like any other important person, has an official schedule. Here’s what he has scheduled for Wednesday Aug. 13. Cut ribbon at grand opening of Jake’s Rib Shack. Attend funeral of Harry Reid’s beloved parakeet Ezekiel. Give eulogy about the faithfulness of Ezekiel. How we will all miss him, blah, blah, blah, after 12 years of love and laughter. How Ezekiel would say, filibuster. It was so funny and cute.

Admittedly, this schedule is rather mundane but on his private secret schedule you would find surprises. A 2 p.m. lecture at Yogi Berra Hall, Georgetown University, dealing with the Quantum Theory and the Uncertainty Principle. A 3 p.m. lecture at the Vinny Boombatz Hall on one of my favorite subjects, Esoteric Tradition in Russian Romantic Literature.

Secretary of State John Kerry obviously has an official schedule in this very dangerous world. A 10 a.m. coffee and lunch with President Obama to plan on bringing world peace to all of the people of earth. At 11, bring world peace to the earth and nearby planets. Lunch with Hillary Clinton to reminisce about the fun days at Benghazi. Nap. At 3 p.m. bring world peace to the outer planets. Bring world peace to other solar systems in our galaxy at 4. At 4:10 take a break of wind surfing along the Potomac. 4:30 p.m. bring world peace to the turbulent Andromeda galaxy.

Actually, John Kerry’s secret schedule was to take the whole afternoon to botox everything that’s botoxable.

One of America’s greatest political leaders of the past was none other than Thomas Jefferson. He had an official schedule like all the other Founding Fathers. Check this out from Wednesday August 21, 1798: Morning have breakfast and work on the Declaration of Independence. Act like a Founding Father and do Founding Father things like say a famous quote so somebody can write it down. Today I’m going to say, “It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation which give happiness.” That’s pretty cool. Some idiot in the future might use that one in writing a column.

Actually, for the same day, Jefferson’s private schedule recorded this. Write Declaration of Independence, Visit Sally Hemmings. Write some more really neat things. Visit Sally. Declare, “I have no ambition to govern men. It is a painful and thankless office.” Visit Sally. Lunch. Visit Sally some more. Whew. Get a lot of rest.

One of the world’s greatest artists had two schedules. Leonardo da Vinci is credited with creating the world’s most famous painting, the Mona Lisa. My crack art research team found these two schedules of the master. On July 2, 1504, the official one stated, “The lovely and enigmatic Ma Donna Lisa arrives at my studio 10 a.m. Will paint until the light fades. I’ve got to get that smile just right to cover up those teeth that are a prison riot. Wish she would floss out the vermicelli once in awhile.”

That sounds quite appropriate. The genius would put in an exhausting day at the easel completing his masterpiece. Unofficially, it wasn’t so. Bocce ball at 2 p.m. Leonardo’s Lancers vs. Michelangelo’s Marauders. If All Thumbs bowls as well as he paints, the Marauders are going down, big time. The ceiling for the Pope? Give me a break. You can still see the numbers under Adam who looks too fat in my opinion. Michelangelo, baaa. He’s a stunatz.

One of the world’s greatest scientist of all time was Albert Einstein. The guy was so smart he was the first Einstein.

Even he had a secret schedule. Check this out. March 25, 1901, his official schedule listed, “Publish Folgerungen aus den Kepilaritat Erscheinungen. This was a lot of fancy schmancy words about capillarity – a subject you can live a perfectly full life without understanding. But like all great men he had this footnote to his daily plan.

Not many are aware of the fact that Einstein was an avid golfer. He had one big problem, though. He was not an Einsten of a golfer. The game drove him bananas or as he put it in German terminology. “Zis game ein drivenun crazyun eichen bananan.”

Apparently, the game had driven him to such a state of utter despair, that he was about to quit. This was Einstein’s recently revealed secret agenda for the same day. If his round at Berlin’s Agony Meadows wasn’t a success, it would lead to this note to self. ” Ifen I’en missun 3 footen putun vune mere timun, ein vill smashin and chrushin evryun *m##2@!!! clubens un myen golfun baggun begunien vith ze @m##%^&&& puter. Zis vill be a demunstashun to ze vorld zat uf enargie dstyoyun madder, not ze oathar vay around.” Ven I missun a 3 footen puten, it’s Einstein ze geniuz hasn leftun ze building, und Einstein ze dumdkoff hz ariveden. Putie, ein haten zis stubid gamen.”

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to